Tag Archives: Humor

In the Glass I See

There in the glass I see a sixteen year old boy with an old man’s mask on. I begin to notice the dark circles under the green eyes that sparkle; nothing dull yet; but his glasses do need cleaning. I see white stubble and mustache with a two inch long goatee on his saddening face; like he’s had no reason to shave in the past few days. Looking closer I see the goatee covers a weak double chin with a single wrinkle that goes down the length of his neck. The same white stubble covers his shaved head to cover the thinning bald spot in the back and what’s left of his front hairline.
His round upturned nose reminds me of a Santa’s nose, but there’s a thin scar going diagonal from the left nostril to the top that makes his nose tilt to the right side of his face. His cheekbones are set high, but it seems to highlight the dark circles more. The ears are long and close to the head.
Wait a minute… he’s starting to smile with a broad grin and his eyes are lighting up and sparkling even more. His whole face transforms and laughs a little with a tear rolling down his cheek and then is when I happily succumb to my fate realizing the old man is me and that my wrinkles are really my laugh lines. My green eyes are still that of the sixteen year old from so many years ago… but they’re still with me today.

© 2011 Michael Yost 12/10

Alien Reconstruction

Passing Gas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome everybody to the introduction
Hopefully I’ll explain it all through my induction
Building a new existence through self seduction
There’s no time now for self destruction

Compiling the knowledge for instruction
Eliminating the extra work through deduction
Now it’s time to begin the inner construction
First finding all the hindering walls by deduction

Then knocking down all those obstructions
And leveling off all the reductions
Finishing my new existence by conduction
Forgetting the time of the alien abduction

© 2011 Michael Yost 12/03

An Understanding

Inhaling yesterday’s memory.
Her scent’s lingering long.
Sprawled naked on her silken robe
She rose early and now she’s gone

The nightstand held a note for me
I smiled as I read
The evening was nice, please feed the cat
Don’t forget to make the bed.
© 2011 Michael Yost 08/01

5 Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Anon

 

Ambrosia

The sheer curtains that opened up to the evening air

Helped diffuse the hanging flatulent tremors with ease

My normally clean conscience since I inadvertently allowed

The ambrosia escape from under the comforter.

 

© 2012 Michael Yost 03/19

Best Read with New Meds

Lazy eye turns and I see double

Tired eyes close, the start of the trouble

Drifting away, sleep seals my work

Minutes later, a sudden jerk

 

Awake now and ready to start

Writing half lines within my heart

It’s a price I pay with new meds

Wonder if it’s worth, sleeping instead

 

© 2012 Michael Yost 1/15

Rapin…..Slivers

Sledge hammer’s slivers busting blisters
My cell mates bust on my sister
Breaking rocks forever troubles my wife
Feels like I’m going backwards serving life

I used to know who I was back then
It’s wasting time guessing where I am
Salvation was with bloody sheepskins
Now His blood washes away our sins

Kneeling on pebbles for attention
Seeking His help with silent ascension
Opening our eyes where we survive
Praising His name and forgetting lies

© 2015 Michael Yost 09/24

5 Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

ANON

Polecat

Polecats hiding behind the moon
Waiting for his turn hoping it’s soon
Carcass brilliant red against the snow
Sticky and staying put while the wind blows

The bear has had his full and leaving
It’s polecat’s chance and starts waddling
Carrion try sweeping in for a bite
Dark covers the earth for a good night

Polecats drags their portion to hide
“Moonbow’s colors and needs to abide
Hunger over takes everyone
Down to the marrow the bit of fun

© 2015 Michael Yost 06/02

 

Image

Yeah…. What He Said

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Empty Crucifixes

Imagination gives lift to my wings
Makes it easier to lift my voice and sing
Anchors scrapping the bottom breaking their strings
Like a catapult boulder flung on a fling

Landing hard beyond the wide and long river Styx
No change in my mouth to pay for Charon’s pyx
More things that could have happened were politics
Now praising God for empty crucifixes

© 2015 Michael Yost 03/28

Grossly True*

Picking at the wound from before
Scraping the scabs off unhealed sores
Fingernail filth mingles with blood
Making for a red colored mud

New skin around the edge starting repair
Begins to bleed slowly from the new tear
One scab left hanging by newly grown skin
Quick rip by the teeth it’s a salty raisin

Tonguing the wound till it stops bleeding
Starting the process over just like seeding
Collecting the raisins for the tin can
Putting them down the girl’s shirts is the plan

*© 2011 Michael Yost 06/28

*A friend of a friend did this in grade school.

 

Shivers

I’m glad you plucked it in from the air above you.
It just passed through my hair leaving silver slivers.
Gathering our thought’s basting them together
Towards balancing our being together forever

Our separate love’s of sadness and sorrow
Gives our new pattern together tomorrow
Old is new and new could be forever
Or my favorites, jeans from my pass me downs

© 2014 Michael Yost 06/12

Pagliacci

Sunday’s I think the day couldn’t get any better
When I’m right… It’s short lived and the earth swallows
When I’m wrong… I’m right..The rain washes it away
What’s left of today… I find the mud and wallow

I’m drawn to bad luck and events on my days off
The tragic clown, Pagliacci, cried for me in the rain
Running fast, slipping on the sewer and floated
All the fuss helped promote his hurt and pain

© 2014 Michael Yost 06/19

Perhaps Some Craps over a Bottle of Schnapps

Your tender caress helped fill in the gaps
That were left open for trips, traps and claps
Hoping to catch someone who hasn’t collapsed
Or who ran the race without a relapse© 2014 Michael Yost 06/15

 

A Dream is a Dream is a Dream?

The anchor’s dragging from the wind blowing
Sails are stowed so the boat must be towing
Two anchors dropped bow into the waves
Dark clouds with sheets of rain counting graves

Pealing thunder brought Hope from the cabin
Snapping a switch Hope brought out the lightning
Purple, blue and white colors lit up the night
Asking Hope smiling if she had a kite

No but we must go see Davy Jones
The boat started to sink shivering bones
Hope sang a magic song I’d never heard
Capturing my heart and soul the words blurred

Jumping overboard and I started to swim
My confusion cleared up out of the dim
Out of my dream I wake up in the moat
The first one offering her hand was Hope

© 2014 Michael Yost 05/25

So You Had to Ask or

Skimming the water, how do we know
How deep or shallow the water is
Without running the risk of vulnerability
Or are we to know only when it’s his

Does Charon always charge for to and fro
If you had to assk for the answer it always burns
Are (S)elected memories of a rich man’s health
The only way to express funneling Wealth..

© 2014 Michael Yost 04/16

Prisoner

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your smile
Here I am shackled, breaking rocks, into piles
Halfway through, my 30 year’s sentence from the trial
I’m hoping you knew, our date was still worthwhile

We ate a good meal and were talking in our booth
Loud laughing through dessert, while the others blamed our youth
The ice cream found the cavity in my tooth
And you noticed my pain; you being the great sleuth

If you had been psychic that beautiful day
You’d be alive writing about my feet of clay
We’ll never know why he decided to betray
I know I was nailed down watching you pray

I was trapped in my mind and not able to move
There was a sliver of light that opened a groove
My alarm went off and I hoped my dream might improve
A nightmare that even Scooby and Shaggy couldn’t approve

© 2012 Michael Yost 08/23

S.O.S.

Deepening scars crease
Searching my old face for peace
Expecting release

For a brand new body lease
Not closer to the deceased

© 2012 Michael Yost 06/25

Prodding

From the bottom of my lungs
To the tip of my tongue,
It’s been done,
It’s been sung,
It’s been spun,
It’s just so much dung!
Should have been shunned
No… Slung,
Then flung,
Being swung,
From the top rung,
And finally hung!
But your big brother ate his carrots.

© 2010-2011 Michael Yost

Weeds Vs Nants

The collection grows larger every day.
Wants, Needs, and Weeds. Changed Weeds from Nants.
Nant going to get it, didn’t have that expecting feel to it; With weeds they grow anywhere any time. In fact I have two neat piles of Wants and Needs but I’m overrun with Weeds! You learn to cut em back and fit em on a pile, kinda like, I need to eat, but I want Ice Cream sorta sorting. Well you get the idea. The one Weed that’s hard to put in a pile is that Sex Weed; it likes both piles and it’s a hold out from the last naming, Nant. I’m nant going to get it so why bother sortin.

© 2010-2011 Michael Yost booguloo@live.com